To Believe, or Not To, or Not To Be…
This is something that I wrote way, way, way back in my college days in Minnesota.
My religious view at the time was atheistic (I’ve mellowed a bit as I’ve grown older, now I’m simply agnostic), but I was very much interested in religion and its adverse effect on man down through the ages. I was called a communist for writing this by the father of a girl I was dating. He thought it was blasphemous and forbade his daughter from seeing me. It didn’t stop us from dating, but that’s another story…
Some of this is a bit dated, after all it was written over 40 years ago, but it still gets the point across…
To Believe or Not To or Not To Be
To believe or not to or not to be
these are the choices, don’t you agree?
To sit upon your toilet seat
and contemplate god, Friday no meat…
but don’t get hungry for as you know
the reasons for this happened years ago
and nowadays we just do it for fun
so that we may, without burning, walk under his sun (son)
and in case of the runs you must not fear
for there are many of you who have diarrhea
and who constantly sit upon the bowl
and excrete waste matter from your hole
at times I wish there were room for two
or three, or four, or even more
because there are so many who perch
upon the john within the church
and on the walls above the john
are written in gold these words upon
a velvet scroll inscribed in braille
for people who might possibly fail
“to deposit a dime in the collection box
makes it possible for us to renew our frocks
and allow you the privilege of depositing your load
in the presence of the almighty in his abode”
and on the wall opposite the bowl
are words in crayon that come from the soul
“krist onst livd cod did knot
‘cept to those who piss alot”
but now it’s time to end my verse
because I can hear them begin to curse
from within their outhouse room
of god and christ and church and tomb
and even though they will put me in hell
at least I can boast ‘my ass doesn’t smell’!
© 1967 the Grouchy Man
